Be present

Something I continually try to remember is to be present.  imgres-1

Be where you are and be engaged.

All too often I find myself thinking two miles down the road… what do I have to get done, what is stressing me, what do I need to accomplish.  OR I’m left thinking in the past… did I exercise enough, eat too much, say the right thing.

What happens when you’re always living in the past or future… you miss the gift of the present.  <— Too corny?  Yes, maybe, but it is true.  Each moment is a gift that can be taken away so quickly.

My personal eating disorder thrives on “fortune telling” it’s the what ifs and the very unrealistic cause and effect thinking.  An example… if I can’t workout today and didn’t workout yesterday and actually eat everything on my meal plan I’m going to gain weight… This type of thinking takes me away from the present and causes me to miss the great gifts all around me.

Recently I was instructed to just breath.  The instructor said… the beauty about breathing is that you cannot breath in the past or in the future – you can only breath in the present.  It reminds me of a comment my mom once made to me in the middle of a very stressful situation.  She said… “Take three deeps breaths, splash water on your face three times, and then keep breathing.” Much later I asked – why three times…she laughed and said she had no clue why it just came out. The point is it brought me back to the present. I could handle the situation if I was in the present but only then.

I am learning, I can battle the disorder, be a better wife and a better mom and a better professional if I’m in the present… but only if I am.  

Take a few deep breaths and BE PRESENT.


TRUE Strength

Practicing non-violence against yourself

Yesterday I took my first real yoga class.  I’ve done a class here or there in the past but never with the intention of really trying yoga.  It was more because the instructor was a friend and it sounded nice to do for a class.

I’ve been searching for something… something different… something maybe kinder on my body…. something.

I’ve also been talking a lot with my counselor that I’m seeing that I’m healthier and stronger but I don’t feel comfortable feeling so thick.  **NOW remember – this is a disordered perception but the question came out… well maybe it’s time to change something.

Ever heard this?  “The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well… yes – time for a change.  

I’ve been doing CrossFit for over six years now.  As my story on TRUE Strength has shared – I’ve been a competitive athlete and no just focus on having fun and working hard. I don’t think I have a desire to stop CrossFitting but I do have a desire to challenge myself in different ways and try new things.

This was a hot power yoga.  I enjoyed the sweat and the challenge of a brand new routine, method and flow.  I was physically challenged and mentally challenged. I am not very good at quieting my mind but can see how in yoga it’s not just an aspect of the practice but is a principle of the practice. The importance of feeling the breath and whatever is released within when you do the moves is a challenge.  As I’ve shared, a large part of my disorder is an ability to NOT feel and block out feelings, needs, or desires.  Yoga may just help open that guarded door.

I enjoyed that I wasn’t competing with anyone else… which was surprising because I like the competition side of CrossFit.

But above all of this, the thing that stuck with me was a comment the instructor made.

She said…

“Yoga is about the practice of non-violence against yourself.”  


What is my disorder if not violence against myself? 

The instructor encouraged us to try different poses and binds but said… if it doesn’t feel right … don’t do it. “In yoga… pain NO gain.”  Coming from a workout like CrossFit where you train yourself to not feel pain and to just push through this was so refreshing AND uncomfortable!

At the end of class I’m learning that it is typical to have several minutes just being still on the floor.  Someone more experienced in yoga could tell you the name for what we did but I can tell you that afterwards I found it almost sad that it took someone else telling me and leaving me with no other option than to lay down and be still to actually do this.  It wasn’t like I could get up and fold laundry… I had to just BE.  My body felt heavy with satisfaction and almost as if I blended with the floor.

As I lay there all of a sudden my eyes welled up and I cried.  I was thinking of my mom.  Thinking about how she wasn’t very kind to herself until much later in life. She always ran herself ragged, she did everything for everyone else… and herself was left folding laundry.

Let’s all try to practice non-violence against ourselves.  No matter our struggles or if we are battling a disorder or not… non-violence… be kind to ourselves. 

TRUE Strength

“I don’t have time to be brought down”

Preach Serena Williams!

She is an inspiration to me of passion, work ethic and drive.  And now my girl crush has grown even more.  GTY_serena_williams_kab_150831_16x9_992

D’Arcy Maine from wrote the following on the world’s number 1 tennis star and inspiration on August 31, 2015.

Serena Williams chatted with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America” prior to setting out on her quest to win the Grand Slam at the US Open.

Watch for no other reason than this absolutely incredible quote on her body image that everyone should print out and post on a wall to look at every day for inspiration: “It’s me, and I love me. I’ve learned to love me. I’ve been like this my whole life and I embrace me. I love how I look. I am a full woman and I’m strong, and I’m powerful, and I’m beautiful at the same time.”

While she clearly pays the bullies no mind, she perhaps threw the ultimate shade by putting the negative comments in perspective. “I don’t have time to be brought down, I’ve got too many things to do. I have Grand Slams to win, I have people to inspire, and that’s what I’m here for.”

“It’s me, and I love me. I’ve learned to love me. I’ve been like this my whole life and I embrace me. I love how I look. I am a full woman and I’m strong, and I’m powerful, and I’m beautiful at the same time.”

Watch the video clip here

Feeling feelings.

“Reality is perception’s twin, but they wear different outfits.”   imgres

My disorder is roaring its powerful presence and feeding on the triggers of tragedy and change.  I’m constantly amazed by how strong and powerful our minds are and how damning they can be to our own health and wellbeing.

I am used to seeing a problem and fixing it.  Having a plan and attacking it.  I like steps, to-do’s, goals and then results.

This long road of recovery is nothing like this. There is a plan… but the disorder doesn’t follow the rules and I can’t just put my head down and power through. My normal “go to” reaction of “all is good and making good progress” just isn’t true.

Reality vs perception right? 

The worst part of this point in recovery… the reality… is FEELING the FEELINGS.  A big part of disorders is learning how (and then perfecting) to separate feeling from your brain.  You disassociate… think about it this way… if you FELT truly as hungry or as conflicted or as tired and you couldn’t separate the feeling from your brain and have something override those feelings… you’d eat, take a rest day or have the non-disorder thinking win out.

So currently the reality of my situation is that reality and perception are battling… constantly… and the feeling…plain and tumblr_mve9f2UQmV1qfvq9bo1_1280simple… is… it SUCKS.  Check out this “feelings wheel.” Recently I was challenged to identify the FEELINGS I was experiencing not the thoughts or explanations associated with them.  I challenge you to take a look at the wheel and practice identifying your feelings – own them, say them and give them value.  DON’T think of certain ones as “good” or “bad,” they are all only legitimate and valued.

A friend said to me… isn’t TRUE Strength all about feeling these feelings?

I won’t go into all of my battles currently going on, as for each of us they are different… but just remember… this is HARD and it can SUCK!!  Own that and own and value your FEELINGS.

I will share two great quotes about feeling those feelings… being scared of them and still pushing forward…

“Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.” – Eddie Rickenbacker

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

Stay strong… feel those feelings… and have TRUE Strength. 

Finding the sign… a little luck, a lot of love

Yesterday was so hectic and a workout didn’t seem doable but something kept pulling me towards Hoover Dam for the stairs.  ** If you’re not familiar with “The Hoover Stairs” two flights of stairs flank the dam… it’s about 105 stairs up and a killer workout.

I changed clothes in the parking lot (sorry for the indecent exposure) and set out for stair repeats. After each set I started doing a few moves in the grass. During plank (and while feeling like I wanted to stop) I saw the tiniest four leaf clover.

My mom had a knack of finding four leaf clovers and would have said this one was perfect because it was so small and slightly torn – she always valued “imperfections”.

I smiled and said thanks mom and took my butt back up the stairs.

The next round, in a completely different spot, I looked down and saw another and another, and another to the point that I was giggling in excitement.

I took the first two and left the rest for others to find some luck.

This poem seems so fitting always 


TRUE Strength

An open letter of frustration

Dear XXX, url

I don’t feel like this “treatment” is working.  

Have I gained weight?  Yes… great

But at this moment I don’t feel any better… in fact… I feel worse.   

I still feel obsessed with the thought of food.  During an early session I was asked how much time I spend looking up recipes (that then I rarely actually make – especially for myself), how much of my day is taken up with the thought of my next meal, how much I just ate, or how long I can wait until I need to eat again (how long can I push it).  Sadly, when asked during that first session I had to realize and admit it was the vast majority of waking thoughts.  HOW SAD IS THAT?  I was amazed that other people DON’T think about this stuff on a constant basis.

Just think how much more energy I’d have if I wasn’t always “double thinking.”  

(Double thinking is my term for having this constant dialog while also conducting everyday life as a driven, type A, mom, professional, friend, and woman.)

So, again, I ask myself… how far have I progressed?  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin… I can tell my backside has rounded out some, which is better than skin and bones, but it doesn’t always make me feel better.  I still feel like my brain is in overdrive and I still don’t feel enjoyment out of eating.  I still eat the same things over and over.  Rules have been loosened, but are certainly still there.

Something I’ve been told during this long road is that while you get better the “voice” and doubt gets louder… it’s like it’s seeing your really starting to turn things around and it’s trying to fight against you.  How manipulative!  I continue to find amazing is how your own brain can fight against you.

What I still find amazing is how within one mind, one body, logic and the disorder can tell you two different things.  I logically know what I’m doing is positive and I can look back and see the progress I’ve made. BUT at the same time, I can feel uncomfortable and almost give up…

Working hard to ride on logic for a bit more while I hopefully continue to get strong enough to “outweigh” the disorder…

Stay strong – TRUE Strength

Feeding on strife

So what are you to do when you’re working on battling an eating disorder and because of life circumstances the thought of food just sounds gross?  Who is in control here?  Is the disorder drill sergeant calling the shots or is it the legitimate grief playing a role… both?

I recently learned during a session with my nutritionist that when people lose their appetite – legitimately lose it – not in a restriction/disorderly way… the first thing to go is a taste for meat.  The nutritionist said this holds true for women who have morning sickness, people in the hospital, those going through grief and any other reason you may have a physical loss of appetite.  Personally, for the time surrounding my mom’s passing the thought of chewing meat (sorry to be so graphic) made me gag.

To validate my feeling of sickness and grief we restructured my meal plans to simply get food in… whatever it was – forget variety and trying to expand the list or challenge myself to new meals (this is a goal of recovery).  At this point we decided surviving and just getting things in was most important.

prvDoor AjarSO… now the door has been cracked… the disorder sees this as an opportunity.  I share this because I want to give validity to those going through multiple struggles.  They are real.  AND at the same time, I hope to share some strength that you can make sure that in times of challenge you can keep moving forward and continue recovery.

Sometimes – just surviving IS recovering.  

What I’ve learned through my recovery journey is that the disorder often feeds on times of weakness and when you’re under eating it allows for the sergeant to become louder because you do not have enough fuel to think clearly or battle the disordered thoughts.  Often if the “voice” is getting louder… telling you you’re eating too much or need to do a two-a-day at the gym, it’s because you’re restricting and can’t battle.

We all have so much that we’re dealing with.  Sometimes it feels all too much to handle and at least for me, going back to restricting and over exercising is my comfort zone.  BUT I know the road to recovery is uphill… and worthwhile.

And the only way to travel it is with a clear mind and at the strongest I can be.

TRUE Strength