the STRENGTH in … not caring

“If I’m going to sing like someone else, then I don’t need to sing at all” – Billie Holiday

the STRENGTH in NOT CARING?

Ouch… sounds harsh right?

I don’t mean that the way it may read… what I mean is… have (take?) strength in not caring so damn much whether or not you have someone else’s approval, take strength in being comfortable with your OWN approval, wants, and desires rather than caring so much about satisfying everyone else’s around you to the risk of jeopardizing yourself.

In no way am I proposing to go off all willy-nilly (yes I just said willy-nilly!)  and not care about anyone’s reactions or thoughts.  In contrast, wishing TRUE Strength to all of us who, so often put our own needs and wants to the back burner in hopes of keeping everyone else happy and approving.

A little story telling time?  Sure… growing up my father would ask my brother, sister and me what we wanted… it could be what we wanted for dinner, what we wanted to do that day, what we wanted to play (didn’t matter the question… nor our forthcoming answer) no matter what we answered, he’d say… no… that’s not ‘right’ we’ll eat/do/play this.  

My childhood was a constant guessing game –

trying to guess the right answer to the question asking what I wanted.

Am I holding back on purpose? No, not intentionally.  Am I afraid someone may think what I want or think is silly or unworthy… potentially. Do I seek certain people’s approval?  Yes… those who I respect and value the most I am, without intention, constantly checking in and checking back to see if they are approving and if they do approve I weigh the amount of approval and wonder if it’s matching how much importance I’m placing on the activity, goal, want, or desire.

Is this all an attempt to gain praise or attention?  NO… honestly it’s not.  I actually get embarrassed by praise or attention.  I do however, revel in the confirmation and affirmation that they approve of my choices and decisions.

 Each day is a struggle to even, truly know what I want, which explains why I look toward people I respect and value to get an assuring head nod (and maybe a nudge).  I’m working on this though.  I’m working hard to reduce my fear in speaking my mind, expressing my own goals, and share decisions without the sometimes paralyzing fear of “what will they think??”

As I let go of this fear, I’m gaining so much more… I’m gaining my own voice, self, wants, desires, and life.

I’m gaining my TRUE Strength

“You were born an original.  Don’t die a copy.” – John Mason

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