“There’s no elevator, you have to take the steps.”
There is no easy, direct path back from sickness or injury. I shared my journey about effects from medicines I was on earlier in 4.5 Liters. Since then I’ve been a little MIA… in all aspects of life including TRUE Strength. The absence though is because I’ve been battling to recover and regain strength while taking the needed time to rest and recover.
Rest and recovery do NOT come easily to me, nor do I feel relaxed and comfortable while resting and recovering. Instead, I feel uneasy, unsettled, and lazy. My mind is a playground… often encouraging me to desert the actions in my best interest to settle the need to get another workout in or “be productive” (in quotes because this term seems to be an undefined… never truly accomplished goal in my mind.
I have been cleared to SLOWLY begin workouts again… but highly, highly modified. Since the start of the medicines and then the procedure I’ve been pretty much out of the gym for almost two months. I’ve been able to get in special workouts with one of my best friends and coaches… even trying out boxing… which I LOVE… but for the most part I’ve been working out in my own little world… either on off times, PT sessions, or at home. So, going back to the gym has been a bit stressful. I now walk into my CF Box and I’m lucky if I know more than two or three people! **Great thing because it means the box is growing but also really sad because I feel so disconnected!!
I found myself wanting to apologize for not being able to do “what I should be able to do” and for being slower than normal, or needing more rest than normal. I also wanted to explain to everyone who didn’t know me… well you see… I used to be pretty good… I used to train hard… I used to have a flat stomach… I used to be able to do this not only RX’ed but beyond.
I haven’t broken into a dissertation yet… but I have wanted to! But WHY right? Why do I feel that need to explain myself and explain my performance? I have come to expect more of myself and I want to be a leader. However, I’m learning I can still be a leader and now have a different set of goals and challenges. I can confidently say I’m in training… training to recover, training to quiet my mind when needed, training to learn to be out of my comfort zone, training to walk the walk when I talk about CF being for everyone no matter “where you are in your abilities,” I’m training to value rest and recovery and re-train my mind and body to be nicer to myself and listen to my body more. I have this unending fear when I take a rest day (or two in a row!!) that I’m just being lazy. Maybe I don’t actually need the rest, maybe I’m just being a sap and if I got a workout in, I’d feel better. I’m learning… no… with everything going on, just making it out of bed sometimes counts as my workout for the day.
At the end of the day, I often pack a gym bag in the morning… and probably am able to make it to the gym 50% of the time right now. Sometimes the long work day has made me sick enough that it’s just not possible and I’m learning to be ok with that. (ok… not great but ok!) I will be able to continue to make it more… but for now I will likely not be able to do the WODs RX’ed (as prescribed) with the limitations to the clearance I have from the doctors I’m thankful just to be there. This is also a learning curve for me… I DO NOT like having to modify… but again… in struggles come strength.
It’s it amazing how an expected change in routine can teach you so much and challenge you so much? I believe… this struggle has been more challenging than the training times before competitions. Then I had a plan, a clear do A,B,C and you’ll get X,Y,Z… now it’s all free hand.
“Your struggles develop your strengths.
When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”