Re-opened wounds

Sometimes the only way to get over pain is to re-open the scab and live it again… and again… and again…

until you can value the scar for the lesson it gave you and move on.  

I heard a sports commentator use the phrase “Revisionist History” last night.  I love the phrase because so often we remember parts of our history throughout our own revisionist lenses.  Sometimes these lenses are created to remember what you want and forget a reality you may not want to think about again, sometimes our memory’s history is shaped by the experiences that came before or following the event.

However, I started thinking… sometimes the sense of revising our history is used to beat in bad memories or to continue the cycle of negative thoughts.

This idea of remembering history and re-opening wounds is so fresh in my mind due to the CrossFit Open taking place right now.  As pathetic (?) as it sounds the memories and associated emotions connected to my CrossFit Regionals experience are still very fresh.  I revisit that day… the build up, the failure, the tears, the stunned state, and embarrassment I felt quite often.  It’s sad to say how often I can still put myself right back into that moment…the memories creep back in as I’m trying to fall asleep or just driving home from work more days than not.

This is the day that started TRUE Strength.  

Read here about the my experience, my history, the wound at it’s most freshest state.

Is this my version of revisionist history? Replaying the failure that I still work every single day to turn into continuous life lessons?  I know as we go through The Open wods now I am thinking more and more about last year’s regionals.  I’m thinking about my state of mind while training, during The Open, and Regionals.  It feels as though the scar as been re-opened and there must be lessons to be learned and TRUE Strength to be found in this time. After 13.2 I was disappointed with my performance.  Yes… I know the logical argument is… I’m 28 weeks pregnant with twins … but I was still shooting for more. (You can’t turn off that part of your brain!) I wrote my coach and expressed my feelings.  His simple response was the TRUE Strength I needed.

He said…Think about how much better you’ll be in the future because of all your fitness triumphs, failures and now doing it while pregnant!  Your journey is still at the very beginning and has so much more and so much more important accomplishments coming up.

All in all, I guess my point (made very long) is that there is value in reliving pain at times.  It helps us grow, shift priorities, and keep perspective.  It has also helped me shed fear.  Hell – I’ve failed miserably so the only way to go is up… and do it with grace.  It is not helpful to recreate your history to relive the pain just to feel down though – accept it, learn from it, and use it to kick ass next time. 

It has been almost a year since the 2012 Central East CrossFit Regionals and it seems very fitting my twins will be born right around the one year anniversary of what will forever be a watershed moment in my life.  That moment of failure brought about a shift in priorities, a change in self, and small (but growing) loss of fear.  The twins will come into our family with a stronger, happier, more dedicated and focused mom and one who teaches them that failure is not, not succeeding every time… failure is being so afraid that you don’t even try or quit because it’s difficult.

TRUE Strength

 

** Thank you to my coach, Ralph at CrossFit New Albany for your support and perspective!

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Remember… Keep Going!

You are amazing – 

as strong as they come,

look where you’ve gotten

and where you’ve come from.

You NEVER gave up

and you never turned back,

the race isn’t over,

but you’re right on track.

With each step you take

every mountain you climb,

you’re walking YOUR walk,

one day at a time.

YOU CAN DO IT! 

keep-going

Modify THIS

I kind of want the title to be “Modify My Ass” but to keep this pretty much PG we can go with “THIS”

Yesterday was a tough CrossFit night and to be honest this whole week has been a tough mental struggle.  The reason for the frustration?  The many modifications while working out and CrossFitting and the mental struggles that come along with the changing body taking care of our growing twins.

Our doctor is getting a little concerned with the position of “Baby A” and to spare the details he pulled back a lot on the reins regarding my workouts. We go back in a week to see how things are progressing.  I see two options… things can be the same and he can say… ok – you can pick up the pace a bit… OR… even more limitations and modifications.  No matter the verdict I will agree because the babies’ health is the only priority.  I do struggle with the mental effects and impacts of stress caused by these restrictions.

Now, to keep the dramatics in check… yes, I am still working out at 26 weeks pregnant with twins… yes, I’m thankful for the fact that I can keep moving and working hard… yes, I feel lucky to have a supportive family who helps encourage me to keep moving when I can AND rest when I need to… yes, I am still able to do things at CF that others cannot do – not pregnant… and of course YES the babies are staying healthy.

The struggle takes part when I see others training for the CrossFit Open and Regionals… I wouldn’t trade our positions for the world, but it is something I miss. I struggle when I get so out of breath doing what used to be second nature to me. I struggle when I feel changes in my body – even if others don’t (or say they don’t) see it.  I struggle worrying about how long I will be allowed to keep working out (weird right??!!)

I know each day that I keep moving is a success… and each day that the babies stay safe and continue growing is a success… I’ve been told I am just being extra hard on myself and not allowing myself to rest and step back enough. I guess I need to find the TRUE Strength in this struggle and use it as future teaching lessons for the babies.

Now with that rant out of my system… I will take on CrossFit Open WOD 13.1 tomorrow… I will do one (very, very slow) real burpee and then burpee and snatch my way through the rest of the wod using parallettes to burpee on… WHICH I have to say… is hard as hell!  If you haven’t tried using them – go for it! No more using your legs to jump back up and you certainly cannot “just fall down and get back up”!!  Even though I will only be able to enter a score of 1 for tomorrow I will love (?? in a love hate kind of way) every second of that 17 min amrap and the babies will certainly love burpees by the end!  I will give it my all and have fun with it!

WOD on everyone!

Yesterday was a struggle… but today is the climb back up and tomorrow will be a success. 

TRUE Strength

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