Sometimes the only way to get over pain is to re-open the scab and live it again… and again… and again…
until you can value the scar for the lesson it gave you and move on.
I heard a sports commentator use the phrase “Revisionist History” last night. I love the phrase because so often we remember parts of our history throughout our own revisionist lenses. Sometimes these lenses are created to remember what you want and forget a reality you may not want to think about again, sometimes our memory’s history is shaped by the experiences that came before or following the event.
However, I started thinking… sometimes the sense of revising our history is used to beat in bad memories or to continue the cycle of negative thoughts.
This idea of remembering history and re-opening wounds is so fresh in my mind due to the CrossFit Open taking place right now. As pathetic (?) as it sounds the memories and associated emotions connected to my CrossFit Regionals experience are still very fresh. I revisit that day… the build up, the failure, the tears, the stunned state, and embarrassment I felt quite often. It’s sad to say how often I can still put myself right back into that moment…the memories creep back in as I’m trying to fall asleep or just driving home from work more days than not.
This is the day that started TRUE Strength.
Is this my version of revisionist history? Replaying the failure that I still work every single day to turn into continuous life lessons? I know as we go through The Open wods now I am thinking more and more about last year’s regionals. I’m thinking about my state of mind while training, during The Open, and Regionals. It feels as though the scar as been re-opened and there must be lessons to be learned and TRUE Strength to be found in this time. After 13.2 I was disappointed with my performance. Yes… I know the logical argument is… I’m 28 weeks pregnant with twins … but I was still shooting for more. (You can’t turn off that part of your brain!) I wrote my coach and expressed my feelings. His simple response was the TRUE Strength I needed.
He said…Think about how much better you’ll be in the future because of all your fitness triumphs, failures and now doing it while pregnant! Your journey is still at the very beginning and has so much more and so much more important accomplishments coming up.
All in all, I guess my point (made very long) is that there is value in reliving pain at times. It helps us grow, shift priorities, and keep perspective. It has also helped me shed fear. Hell – I’ve failed miserably so the only way to go is up… and do it with grace. It is not helpful to recreate your history to relive the pain just to feel down though – accept it, learn from it, and use it to kick ass next time.
It has been almost a year since the 2012 Central East CrossFit Regionals and it seems very fitting my twins will be born right around the one year anniversary of what will forever be a watershed moment in my life. That moment of failure brought about a shift in priorities, a change in self, and small (but growing) loss of fear. The twins will come into our family with a stronger, happier, more dedicated and focused mom and one who teaches them that failure is not, not succeeding every time… failure is being so afraid that you don’t even try or quit because it’s difficult.
** Thank you to my coach, Ralph at CrossFit New Albany for your support and perspective!