Our minds are amazing animals…
Mine works in overdrive most days and for many years has operated almost as a separate entity – separate from many feelings, creating it’s own reality and truth, putting on a strong smile and a “power through” face.
After realizing that I was just simply getting through – instead of thriving – I started seeking help for a long standing disordered relationship with food and exercise… to be brutally honest the technical term is exercise anorexia. Although I’ve bounced a bit in and out of healthier stages I’ve never truly been in a state where my mind is quiet and I’m not obsessed with what I eat and how much I exercise. After my daughters were born I was determined to stop the cycle and set a positive example for them. I would not wish this constant battle on even my worst enemy and I will spend my days making sure I don’t let my daughters model my disordered behavior.
SO… why put this all out in such a public way? For me… saying it out loud makes it real. My mind is REALLY good at separating my reality from real reality. It can tell me I’ve eaten SO much or that I’m getting really flabby… it can tell me that I’m not tired and that if I stop to relax I’m being lazy. But saying it out loud brings in logic and truth… and I can’t hide once it’s out there. For a long time I have been … “ok” I’ve not been sick per se, I haven’t been too under weight… but I haven’t been right or healthy. I was getting through but certainly wasn’t thriving.
When I started seeking help one of my counselors talked about the constant dialog in my mind. If you have experience with disorders you understand this concept, if not… imagine a drill sergeant in your mind constantly questioning every thought and action, every bit of food you’ve even THOUGHT about eating, every bit of exercise or every moment of rest… constantly. From the precise moment you wake to the point you finally, finally fall asleep. It is exhausting.
This counselor said that not everyone has that constant dialog… I still am in disbelief but I’m dedicated to seeing for myself if this can stop. Part of that process is being brutally honest to myself and part of that is putting it out there in public.
This blog has served as a motivational device, a place for snarky fun, and as a way to share real life challenges and successes. I’ve heard from some of you that some of my experiences have helped you and I’d like to ask that I have a shot of doing that again. I’ll be sharing some real truths about the process to become healthy – for real. And not just become healthy but THRIVE. I have two beautiful little girls who are my biggest motivation and an amazing support system around me. I hope if even for one other person, I can help add to your support system. It’s a long and challenging journey… but one that is worth taking. Who wants to just simply get through?
If any of this rings true to you… I hope my future sharing and messages can help give you TRUE Strength.