An open letter of frustration

Dear XXX, url

I don’t feel like this “treatment” is working.  

Have I gained weight?  Yes… great

But at this moment I don’t feel any better… in fact… I feel worse.   

I still feel obsessed with the thought of food.  During an early session I was asked how much time I spend looking up recipes (that then I rarely actually make – especially for myself), how much of my day is taken up with the thought of my next meal, how much I just ate, or how long I can wait until I need to eat again (how long can I push it).  Sadly, when asked during that first session I had to realize and admit it was the vast majority of waking thoughts.  HOW SAD IS THAT?  I was amazed that other people DON’T think about this stuff on a constant basis.

Just think how much more energy I’d have if I wasn’t always “double thinking.”  

(Double thinking is my term for having this constant dialog while also conducting everyday life as a driven, type A, mom, professional, friend, and woman.)

So, again, I ask myself… how far have I progressed?  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin… I can tell my backside has rounded out some, which is better than skin and bones, but it doesn’t always make me feel better.  I still feel like my brain is in overdrive and I still don’t feel enjoyment out of eating.  I still eat the same things over and over.  Rules have been loosened, but are certainly still there.

Something I’ve been told during this long road is that while you get better the “voice” and doubt gets louder… it’s like it’s seeing your really starting to turn things around and it’s trying to fight against you.  How manipulative!  I continue to find amazing is how your own brain can fight against you.

What I still find amazing is how within one mind, one body, logic and the disorder can tell you two different things.  I logically know what I’m doing is positive and I can look back and see the progress I’ve made. BUT at the same time, I can feel uncomfortable and almost give up…

Working hard to ride on logic for a bit more while I hopefully continue to get strong enough to “outweigh” the disorder…

Stay strong – TRUE Strength

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