State of no resolution

I realized that I share a lot of posts that are cloaked in the natural and eternal “cheerleader” in me.  They drip with “we can do it” and things are looking up.  That’s not always the case and as I’m learning to actually get better I have to face the darker, harder reality sometimes.
To be completely transparent I wanted to share a recent email chain between my nutritionist and myself. The original email is first and then her response follows.  I love how she breaks about my own words and categorizes them into the appropriate disordered or rationalizing behavior.  It illustrates how confusing and how circular… and manipulative this disorder is!
My original email:
Hi, 

I’m sorry to unload and complain, have to share – somewhat to get this out loud to be totally honest. 
I keep looking at myself and keep seeing a growing tummy.  I am very unhappy with it.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m slacking on exercise or over eating… I’ve changed the type of exercise but don’t think I’ve really been slacking.  I also don’t know if I’m over eating or not… I still don’t feel like I can trust my hunger signals.  I feel like I follow the plan but not 100% sometimes I still feel like I’m snacking too much and maybe it’s adding up to too much but then when I really analyze it I’m not sure I’m even really hitting the targets each time. 
I want to try to slim down and I feel like I’d be lying to you and XXXX (counselor’s name taken out) if I didn’t tell you that I want to start working with a trainer and try to loose some weight… 
Even thinking maybe a little bit of a detox period… I don’t know… what do you think?
Thank you,
Her response with her comments in parentheses.
Hi there!

No worries on unloading!!!! Unload all you need…ahhhhh…..gahhhhhh…..grrrrrrrr…..get it out!!!!!! 
Here is what I see from what you’re saying:
Body Thought/Trigger: I keep looking at myself and keep seeing a growing tummy.  I am very unhappy with it.  
Irrational thought to answer above trigger: I don’t know if it’s because I’m slacking on exercise or over eating… I’ve changed the type of exercise… 
Thought to challenge irrational thought: …BUT don’t think I’ve really been slacking.  
Fact: I also don’t know if I’m over eating or not… I still don’t feel like I can trust my hunger signals (that’s ok right now, follow your meal plan!!!).  
Thought: I feel like I follow the plan but not 100% sometimes I still feel like I”m snacking too much and maybe it’s adding up to too much but then when I really analyze it I’m not sure I’m even really hitting the targets each time. (You’re probably barely hitting your targets).
Ed’s (Ed is a common name for Eating Disorder) solution to the above: I want to try to slim down and I feel like I’d be lying to you and XXXX if I didn’t tell you that I want to start working with a trainer and try to loose some weight… 
Recovery exhaustion/tolerating lots of uncomfortable things for a period of time: Even thinking maybe a little bit of a detox period… I don’t know… what do you think? (HELP!)
Pretty fascinating to see the thought process all broken apart.  The big question now is, where to go from here.  We’ll work on that but instead of ending with my normal fist pump and “Yay, all is rosy” I’m ending just with this… unresolved and lot’s to figure out.
TRUE Strength

H.A.L.T.

SSA_HaltIt happened again…

Mid, very strenuous workout I had to shake off the tears.

It was a mix of thinking of my mom and a mix of the message the workout instructor was screaming at us.  Let me explain… she was screaming over the pounding music in a spin class – encouraging us to push harder, let go and even “get pissed” at times. Her music sound track was planned out to give us a killer workout AND a message.  She weaved her message into our class which boiled down to letting go of regrets, sadness, and self doubt and negative talk. It does us no good she kept saying.

As she encouraged us to let go of baggage I felt my legs peddling faster, my mind focusing and letting go of the constant dialog… the constant “to-do” list, constant disorded battles, the constant second guessing.  Just as I felt my legs flying I also felt the tears welling.  I was thinking of my mom, I was feeling the release of the disorder’s control (even though temporarily), I just felt a release.

Shaking off the tears I focused, pedaled faster.  I realized some of excessive exercise is simply me running away from feeling.  Even though I was pedaling faster, I was focused on feeling the emotions and release… not just running away.

As she encouraged us to leave the baggage behind and to treat ourselves with kindness and care she said… never be too H.A.L.T. 

Never be too:

  • Hungry
  • Angry
  • Lonely
  • Tired

She said… a little H.A.L.T. is good… keeps your fire burning – but if you’re too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired you can’t function to the best of your ability and you can’t be the person you’ve been destined to be.  For me – if I’m too H.A.L.T. I can’t be the wife, mother, professional, woman, role model or citizen I need … I strive to be.

This can be a very literal thing… don’t let yourself function in a constant state of hunger, don’t hold on to anger, don’t let yourself wallow in loneliness, and don’t try to get through barely rested.  In the abstract… have a hunger for life – don’t starve yourself from adventure and life; anger can keep you motivated but too much can crush you; you don’t need someone necessarily next to you every minute to not be lonely – instead find comfort and camaraderie in yourself and with others who lift you up; and if you’re tired of what you’re doing… change it!

As I type this I know I am often functioning too H.A.L.T. but I can change and I can continue to dedicate myself to getting healthier.

Join me – TRUE Strength