State of no resolution

I realized that I share a lot of posts that are cloaked in the natural and eternal “cheerleader” in me.  They drip with “we can do it” and things are looking up.  That’s not always the case and as I’m learning to actually get better I have to face the darker, harder reality sometimes.
To be completely transparent I wanted to share a recent email chain between my nutritionist and myself. The original email is first and then her response follows.  I love how she breaks about my own words and categorizes them into the appropriate disordered or rationalizing behavior.  It illustrates how confusing and how circular… and manipulative this disorder is!
My original email:
Hi, 

I’m sorry to unload and complain, have to share – somewhat to get this out loud to be totally honest. 
I keep looking at myself and keep seeing a growing tummy.  I am very unhappy with it.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m slacking on exercise or over eating… I’ve changed the type of exercise but don’t think I’ve really been slacking.  I also don’t know if I’m over eating or not… I still don’t feel like I can trust my hunger signals.  I feel like I follow the plan but not 100% sometimes I still feel like I’m snacking too much and maybe it’s adding up to too much but then when I really analyze it I’m not sure I’m even really hitting the targets each time. 
I want to try to slim down and I feel like I’d be lying to you and XXXX (counselor’s name taken out) if I didn’t tell you that I want to start working with a trainer and try to loose some weight… 
Even thinking maybe a little bit of a detox period… I don’t know… what do you think?
Thank you,
Her response with her comments in parentheses.
Hi there!

No worries on unloading!!!! Unload all you need…ahhhhh…..gahhhhhh…..grrrrrrrr…..get it out!!!!!! 
Here is what I see from what you’re saying:
Body Thought/Trigger: I keep looking at myself and keep seeing a growing tummy.  I am very unhappy with it.  
Irrational thought to answer above trigger: I don’t know if it’s because I’m slacking on exercise or over eating… I’ve changed the type of exercise… 
Thought to challenge irrational thought: …BUT don’t think I’ve really been slacking.  
Fact: I also don’t know if I’m over eating or not… I still don’t feel like I can trust my hunger signals (that’s ok right now, follow your meal plan!!!).  
Thought: I feel like I follow the plan but not 100% sometimes I still feel like I”m snacking too much and maybe it’s adding up to too much but then when I really analyze it I’m not sure I’m even really hitting the targets each time. (You’re probably barely hitting your targets).
Ed’s (Ed is a common name for Eating Disorder) solution to the above: I want to try to slim down and I feel like I’d be lying to you and XXXX if I didn’t tell you that I want to start working with a trainer and try to loose some weight… 
Recovery exhaustion/tolerating lots of uncomfortable things for a period of time: Even thinking maybe a little bit of a detox period… I don’t know… what do you think? (HELP!)
Pretty fascinating to see the thought process all broken apart.  The big question now is, where to go from here.  We’ll work on that but instead of ending with my normal fist pump and “Yay, all is rosy” I’m ending just with this… unresolved and lot’s to figure out.
TRUE Strength
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