Yesterday I took my first real yoga class. I’ve done a class here or there in the past but never with the intention of really trying yoga. It was more because the instructor was a friend and it sounded nice to do for a class.
I’ve been searching for something… something different… something maybe kinder on my body…. something.
I’ve also been talking a lot with my counselor that I’m seeing that I’m healthier and stronger but I don’t feel comfortable feeling so thick. **NOW remember – this is a disordered perception but the question came out… well maybe it’s time to change something.
Ever heard this? “The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well… yes – time for a change.
I’ve been doing CrossFit for over six years now. As my story on TRUE Strength has shared – I’ve been a competitive athlete and no just focus on having fun and working hard. I don’t think I have a desire to stop CrossFitting but I do have a desire to challenge myself in different ways and try new things.
This was a hot power yoga. I enjoyed the sweat and the challenge of a brand new routine, method and flow. I was physically challenged and mentally challenged. I am not very good at quieting my mind but can see how in yoga it’s not just an aspect of the practice but is a principle of the practice. The importance of feeling the breath and whatever is released within when you do the moves is a challenge. As I’ve shared, a large part of my disorder is an ability to NOT feel and block out feelings, needs, or desires. Yoga may just help open that guarded door.
I enjoyed that I wasn’t competing with anyone else… which was surprising because I like the competition side of CrossFit.
But above all of this, the thing that stuck with me was a comment the instructor made.
“Yoga is about the practice of non-violence against yourself.”
What is my disorder if not violence against myself?
The instructor encouraged us to try different poses and binds but said… if it doesn’t feel right … don’t do it. “In yoga… pain NO gain.” Coming from a workout like CrossFit where you train yourself to not feel pain and to just push through this was so refreshing AND uncomfortable!
At the end of class I’m learning that it is typical to have several minutes just being still on the floor. Someone more experienced in yoga could tell you the name for what we did but I can tell you that afterwards I found it almost sad that it took someone else telling me and leaving me with no other option than to lay down and be still to actually do this. It wasn’t like I could get up and fold laundry… I had to just BE. My body felt heavy with satisfaction and almost as if I blended with the floor.
As I lay there all of a sudden my eyes welled up and I cried. I was thinking of my mom. Thinking about how she wasn’t very kind to herself until much later in life. She always ran herself ragged, she did everything for everyone else… and herself was left folding laundry.
Let’s all try to practice non-violence against ourselves. No matter our struggles or if we are battling a disorder or not… non-violence… be kind to ourselves.