Brutal Honesty

Sometimes the hardest TRUE Strength is honesty.  stronger than this

And the chart topper is honesty with yourself.  It’s amazing to me how easy it is to lie to ourselves and convince ourselves what we want to see as reality.    

My lie… the reality that my disordered thinking and tendencies have started to resurface.  In my experience, and I don’t dare speak for everyone, the harshest reality as a person who has battled eating disorders or disordered thinking is that it never really goes away or is officially treated.  It’s my addiction. Compared to someone’s alcohol or drug addiction. As odd as it sounds… restricting, over exercising, controlling is comforting to me.  The scariest part for me is that my disordered thinking comes under the veil or cloak of doing something healthy.  It just goes too far.  It’s enticing… alluring even.  Always under the best of intentions… and then slips.

It’s very easy to say there’s nothing wrong or I’m all under control.  

But the TRUE Strength reality is … honesty is harsh… and it’s time to get honest.  

My friend, Meggie is someone I really look up to.  She is brutally honest and open about her struggles and as a recent first time mom has been experiencing all the amazing ups and downs and blurred reality of newborn life.  All while still being honest about these ever present disordered thoughts.  Her article about Orthorexia encouraged me to seek more guidance and to acknowledge I may be loosing control and need to be more honest with myself.

Meggie writes for Saltyrunning.com.  You can read her full article HERE.  

Perhaps, such an honest post is not all that fun to read… but, if it can encourage even one person to get some help, it is vital.  Thank you for sharing your TRUE Strength with me.  

 

Advertisements

Born with strength

As cliche as it sounds, I am constantly amazed by how much I learn from Baylor and Nola every single day.  I am positive in their short 14 months with us, they have taught us much more than we have taught them!  

They teach intangibles such as: a deeper sense of love, selflessness, unending worry, and how to let go of control.  I’ve learned to let life happen and that control is simply not possible at all times, nor is it any fun!  They’ve taught me to live in the moment and laugh at myself and at stress.

The most striking lesson they continue to teach me everyday is that we all are born with TRUE strength within us.  It’s found deep down and true inside of us all.  Their drive to discover, explore, try, fall, get back up and laugh is unending.

TRUE strength encapsulates adventure, love, life, tears, fears, and physical, emotional, and mental balance.  It’s taken me 31 years to truly understand this… and I’m still working on putting this into practice.  

It is breathtaking that children are born with TRUE strength.  It’s after years of socialization, sheltering, and limiting creativity and possibility that people are in danger of losing their ability to pull on their TRUE strength.

I think about how my girls don’t know any limits on what they can accomplish.  They try and explore and learn and fall down and try again.  They are exercising their TRUE Strength. My goal is to foster this inner strength within them and within myself so that I can continue to help them grow and to personally be a better, stronger and healthier mother and role model for them every day.

This picture is my definition of how we all are born with TRUE strength… right now we may see a slide… the girls see an adventure… one to climb up, slip down, laugh at, bump into each other and attempt over and over again.

fearless girls

My wish for you all is to reach inside – grab a hold of your TRUE strength – help others find theirs and embrace it! 

Sometimes you just need to be silly

I have been working on a very serious post about realities and new realities… fighting them, being afraid of them, avoiding them.  BUT then I thought… forget this! Seriousness can wait!

Everyone needs a little smile and indulge me if you will – I want to share the two most precious people who give me the biggest smiles with you.

Lighten up – enjoy your day!

IMG_9570 IMG_9365 DSC_1996 DSC_1974 DSC_1971 out for a run

Strong Arms

I LOVE toned arms.  They’re sexy, sleek and depict hard work and strength.

Although I feel as though my arms have lost strength and definition I am in awe of what I use them for now.

After seeing this picture my mom made the comment,

“it’s pretty amazing what those arms are doing now.”

at CF games

I may not be Olympic lifting very much, I haven’t attempted more than two HSPU since the c-section, I’m not even doing kipping pull-ups again yet but I’m carrying around these angels every day and night.  I’m giving them a safe place to be and comforting snuggles; we move around as one (three in one) and bond through our adventures.

These arms may not being muscle ups right now but they are surrounding our family in love and I wouldn’t change that for the world.  

Core Strength

“How was your workout?”

“FINE”

“Oh… okay… umm…have a good shower”

My poor husband!  … he has to deal with … me.  This conversation came after week one of being back to CrossFit after our twins were born.  I was rushing in the door to shower and feed the babies after a defeating CF WOD.

I continued to whine (cry… bawl) to him about how weak my core was.  I listed out the things I couldn’t do in the wod, the things that I used to excel in, the things I used to love and  now cannot do.  I didn’t want to hear rational thinking, just wanted to feel sorry for myself.

I got the whine out of my system but was still upset – just feeling defeated.  I kept thinking… my goodness… my core is so weak!!!  My biggest strength is now my biggest weakness.  The inner dialog sounded like this…

My core is so weak… 

… so weak… 

WAIT.  My CORE is stronger than it has ever been. 

MY CORE STRENGTH

Yes… my midsection (my body core) is very weak.  After 36 weeks of pregnancy and a c-section I think the word “weak” doesn’t even describe how weak I feel.

However, my core of life is stronger than it has ever been.

My core is so much more than my physical strength.  My core is our family, the love that I never knew would be possible for two little angels, the  love I feel for my husband every time I see him hold our girls – my core is the life we have and are creating.  It is stronger than ever because it is the sum of all the parts.  Life is no longer just me.  Life is my core – my family – my loves.

The realization struck that to create the strongest core imaginable I had to temporarily sacrifice the strong physical core.  The physical will come back with hard work.  The life core will take hard work to nurture and grow – and in both cases – there is no other type of hard work I want to take on.

TRUE Strength 

It’s 3:30pm… Have I brushed my teeth yet?


Just like there’s no crying in baseball…

there is no perfect in parenting… Or so I’m learning.

It’s a hard lesson for a perfectionist and control freak.

We have been home from the hospital for three weeks now and every day has been an adventure.

From the first morning after having both girls home when I sent text messages to friends who are moms saying… “it will get better RIGHT???“, though the first baths, cuddle times, “was that a smile??,” to projectile vomits (on me)… and peeing (on me) and ewww what is THAT?? (on me), to laughing so hard at their facial expressions and making up silly voices and songs to sooth them, every single day has been an adventure and every day we have learned so much.

I have learned a lot about myself, nothing that should be a surprise but is still shocking to me.

I came into this parenting thing thinking I could handle it all and take care of everything.  No problem – just be perfect.  I have wanted to solve all crying and make it so no one else was bothered by it (can I make it so only I hear it so no one has to worry??), have wanted to maintain all household chores, always have my hair perfect and make up on, never get flustered, and get my body back… like the day they were born.

Well… it’s time to redefine my definition of the perfect parent.  It’s ok for others to hear Baylor and Nola cry.  At 3am in the morning if someone else gets woken up it’s OK.  If we (Baylor, Nola, and I) don’t make it out of the bedroom until noon because we’ve gone back to back from feeding, to  resting to diapers and back to feeding, it’s all good.  When both girls are screaming and I’ve tried everything I know to do, it’s ok to be flustered and break down – hey… I can join in the tears sometimes – it’s OK!  (Thank goodness for friends and family who support in times of … OH MY GOODNESS!!!) And before when I would climb up ropes, flip tires, do GHD sit ups until dark, now after surgery sometimes sitting up from laying down in bed hurts… but each day I try a few more push ups, treat  their stroller like a sled push, and carry around the twins in their carriers like a boss. Sleeping babies in carriers are supposed to be used as weights right??

My new definition is all based on my girls

are they happy – YES, are they healthy – YES, are they already the most amazing little girls created – YES (I know I’m a little bias), and are they showered with love every second of the day – YES.

And yes… when I did the teeth check at 3:30pm… I had not yet brushed them… I’m on a good streak now though of clean teeth don’t worry. 

Nola and Baylor

How you doin??

How am I doin??  … Still pregnant.  How you doin??  

(Yes… I’ve been watching Friends marathons)

I’ve been racking my brain for a powerful post to write this week.  But… this is what you’re going to get… sassy and sarcastic… when all else fails, right?

I’ve been slacking on new posts and apologize!!  But I must plead pregnancy brain… Days have been packed with many, many projects to finish at work and evenings have been consumed with baby prep, family time, “nesting” and working out on my “allowed” days at CrossFit.

So we’ve entered week 36… This has been the goal all along and honestly the whole pregnancy I had it dead set in my mind that I would ONLY go to 36… now it looks like the twins have decided to hang out a little longer.  I know this is a GOOD thing.  I continue to hear it from everyone I talk with… “Oh the longer they stay in the better.”  Yea – super easy for you to say sir who is not carrying them!  

Please know, I am thankful we’ve made it this far and I’m thankful for each day they continue to grow, get stronger and healthier, and each day I’m given to get more done (obsessive with being productive perhaps??).  But I am ready for the twins to make their debut.

So, the next three posts are going to be about my pregnancy journey.

1. Pregnancy can be just weird!

2. CrossFitting while pregnant

3. My body is now everyone’s body

The bottom line is … pregnancy IS weird.  The whole concept that there is a human, or two, growing inside of me is more alien than I had ever imagined.  I’ve assigned reactions/personalities to them and know if I eat an orange they will go bonkers… if I’m in a meeting and am sitting/not talking they do NOT like it.  If I’m up on my feet moving around (I know, I know… I should be sitting with my feet up) they are quieter and calmer – almost like I”m rocking them to sleep.

The fact that co-workers can now see my stomach move and jump is weird.

The fact that I bump into things with my belly is weird.

The fact that in about two weeks we will finally meet these twins is weird… and oh so overdue!

A few comments I’ve heard from complete strangers and a golden one said to a pregnant friend…

“You’re about to drop that baby” <— Imagine this in the most obnoxious voice and accent possible

“Let me push that door open for you, it’s too heavy for you to touch” … ummm ma’am, I just lifted over 100 pounds last night multiple times and then did a whole workout, put you’re right, I shouldn’t open the door for myself.  Thank you

“You’re STILL pregnant”  Yea, I know!

And the one said to my friend and nutritionist… “Oh sweetie, you have such a cute waddle” … a cute waddle??  Really??!!  Who says that!?

Upcoming will be my Pregnant CrossFit Journey and how the experience of being pregnant has opened the door to allow my body to become everyone else’s business.

Carry on (and carry those babies on!)

Updated pictures coming soon too!

TRUE Strength